I just need a place to get things off my chest without bothering anyone. I won't put much effort into this and I'm just going to type what comes to mind.
I'm having trouble finding health care that takes medicaid. I have an appointment with Planned Parenthood for HRT soon at least. Hopefully it helps. I need a dentist, though. My teeth are full of cavities and broken. It is hard to eat. I really want to see a therapist but none of them are emailing me back. I have gone back to thinking none of the others are real. I haven't hear from anyone in a while and I'm starting to think I made it all up. The screaming in my head when I tried to think about it makes me think maybe I wasn't making it up but why haven't I heard from anyone? And how do I talk to a therapist about it without them thinking I'm lying to fit some trend? Am I lying to fit some trend? I can't pretend not to know because that's definitely lying, but I don't want to tell them if I might actually be making it up. P and L have had genuine emotions but what if that was me getting really caught up in the act? And my therapist that met H, I felt like I was faking then too. I just feel like shit. I feel like what happened wasn't bad enough. My mom hit me and yelled at me and I was kidnapped and I lost my memory and I was exposed against my will but I wasn't tortured or abused the way others were. Maybe I'm just a sad girl who wants attention. But if I want attention then why do I agonize over this when I'm alone and no one is watching? Have I tricked myself? Is it just BPD? What is wrong with me? Is this all just a way for me to pretend what I did when I was S wasn't really me? That I didn't say and do those things? I did. I was an awful person. The abuse is not an excuse. I did awful things. But my mom was hitting me and my boyfriend was threatening to kill himself and I had no privacy and no one liked me. People liked S. She was bold and unapologetic but she was with the wrong crowd. I should have never used Kik or 4chan or any of those places where the alt right chuds hang out waiting to groom teenagers like S. But I was an adult at the end of it. Was it realluy justified just because I was a teenager when it started? No. I knew better. I know I knew better because I was C then too. And C wasn''t a racist fucking asshole. C had to pretend to like our racist asshole creep ADULT boyfriend. S loved him and I don't know if she actually believed in his ideology but she sure acted like she did. C was mostly normal but too busy having a fucking eating disorder to do anything worthwhile.